You are not accomplishing your goals because your thinking is wrong! Bold, yes. But as I unpack this, you will agree.
I am sure it is no surprise that I spend a lot of time reading books and articles on mindset. Last week I was reading an article in the Noom app (yes, a weight loss app of all things) and they were talking about the way our perception of motivation influences our emotions.
Let me say that another way, what we THINK other people THINK has a major impact on our feelings and emotions.
I will tell you why this is important. Our emotions guide our decision making in a way facts do not. Look at some of these examples and consider their impact on your behavior:
-My website traffic was down when I shared that article on social media [or is your website traffic down that same day each week?]
-My kids left their stuff out. They don’t care what I say. [Is it really that what you say isn’t important to them, or are they simply irresponsible or lazy OR have other priorities]
-When I waved at my colleague today, they barely acknowledged me. They must have heard I am up for the promotion too. [Or maybe there was something else on their mind.]
Now let me show you how this is preventing you from accomplishing your goals.
In the website example it is crucial to evaluate the impact of things on your business, true, but a better metric is trends, not a single item—even a viral video can be something other than your brilliant video craft. By focusing on that one singular thing and not evaluating the full context, you might be missing out on key information that will truly help you build your business and engage with your target demographic.
We see this when a video goes viral and then everyone tries to imitate that single video. You get copycats and knockoffs, but none of them will be the same. Furthermore, if you change the wrong thing chasing an audience, you could lose your true audience in favor of single topic fans.
In example two we have RELATIONSHIP with family. This is where we do this a LOT. I wonder how many of you read that sentence and thought, “What is wrong with that?” The issue is the phrase, “they don’t care” or said another way, “They don’t respect me”. How does that phrase make you feel? Angry? Ignored? Put upon? Does it heighten your emotions? Does it make you feel closer to that person? Do you want to teach or to yell?
That is the issue. You are angry. It is really hard to teach from a place of anger. It is really hard to explain calmly and get results from a place of high emotion. If instead you can step back and evaluate the facts, you are in a better position to emotionally to calmly redirect the behavior instead of attacking the person.
And this ties in to the third example with the co-worker exchange. In this example are you projecting guilt or inadequacy on to this person? Why would you assume that their less than boisterous response means they have an issue with you?
We live in a world of selfies and customized everything, so there is a large segment of the population who seems to think that other people think about them constantly, but they don’t. There are dozens of reasons that person could have been in a sour mood that have nothing to do with you at all. However, how did you feel when you thought that? What kinds of thoughts ran in your head? Not good ones. Again, you become emotionally charged wanting to justify your worth, tear down the other person, and maybe even talk bad about them all based on assumptions you built up in your head that had little or no basis in facts.
So, back to my original assertion: You are not accomplishing your goals because you are thinking wrong.
These twisted thoughts—thought distortions—are like a broken mirror that are showing you a bad reflection of the truth and so your evaluation and results are not moving you in the direction of your goals. Consider this instead:
- I notice a difference with that last video. I will have to watch over the next couple of weeks for any trends. I may need to re-evaluate my days or topics to see what could be influencing this.
- Walk to your son/daughter and in a calm, matter of fact tone, tell them to pick up those things, even consider naming them. “Name, the cereal you were eating is still on the table and your socks are on the floor. Pick them up, please.” A statement of fact, a request, and polite thank you. Now, if your child responds with emotion at you (which I am not saying is right) I would ask whether you feel it is an appropriate response? If it isn’t, you just proved my point. 😊
- The final scenario is your coworker. The easiest thing is to assume they are having a bad day or something is on their mind. I usually say a prayer for them and go about my day. If they do have an attitude about you, they have to work on their own mindset. If they don’t, then your wrong assumptions have no value.
By doing these things you are not wasting mental energy on strong emotions that don’t serve you. You have that mental energy instead to focus on properly evaluating data driven decisions and making positive changes to yourself.
Our goals take a lot of work and energy. By removing the assumptions, which only make an ASS out of U and ME, we can take the wasted emotional energy we would have put there and focus it on productive tasks, relationship building, parenting, and anything else that is a priority to you.
Try this and share your feedback, success, or struggles.
Remember, we all fail sometimes, try to fail forward. #Redefine succeed, Redefine Fail
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